motherhood

5.12.2013


As I have contemplated Mother's Day this year, I have thought a lot about my Mother's Day last year and how I was feeling as I faced my new and unknown journey of motherhood that lay ahead of me. I was scared. I was lost. I had a million hormones rushing through my body making me angry and confused. I was overwhelmed. One year ago, I was in a really dark place. Post-Partum depression was invading my life, and looking back, I only see a big dark storm cloud of confusion, stress and worry. I did not want to be a mother. I did not want a baby. I didn't know why being a mother could be concieved as so wonderful. I wasn't happy. It was hard.

Looking back....well, wow. My emotions were strong and all-consuming. But as they say, hind sight is 20/20. Now that I am out of the storm and breathing on dry land again, I can see my struggles, but I can see the joys as well that maybe I couldn't emotionally or mentally enjoy back then. I see how far I have come since last year.

In this past year of being a mother, I have learned an incredible amount about myself, but there is one thing that stands out to me about myself the most:

I have unearthed this divine ability in myself. It required a lot of digging and sacrifice, but there she was, hidden beneath the mud and grime of pride and hormones and comparison and immaturity. I have tapped in to my divine role of motherhood. I was born to do this. I LOVE this. I am a mother; the one who rocks her baby to sleep when the house is in shambles. I am the one who wipes baby noses on my shirt, and reads the same book over and over. I am the one who makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch even though I know they will end u pon the floor. I change diapers and kiss away tears and do ridiculous things for a baby giggle. I eat cheerios off the floor and can wrangle squirmy toddler bodies like nobody's business.


Last year, I wanted so badly to WANT to be a mother, but I didn't know how to make myself want it. I felt constricted.

This year, I have learned, cried, sweated, sacrificed, taught, watched and been humbled. Through my sweet Vivian, I have found the motherhood gene that is in me, and as soon as I recognized that it was there, I reveled in it and Viv taught me how. She loved me and needed me and helped me realize that I am good enough. I created her life. I labored her into this world. I gave her precious spirit a body, and I sacrifice everything I have to make her happy.. And though her mortal body and mind may not be conscious of my sacrifices, I know that deep inside, her little spirit knew all along that she was there to teach me how to become a mother. She knew I would need her, and so she needed me, because she knew that is how I would learn.

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had, no contest. Sometimes it can be unrewarding, but most of the time, it is the most reassuring and hopeful thing in my life. It is the brightest glimpse into eternity that I will ever have.

I am thankful that I have been able to unearth and embrace the mother that was inside of me all along. I am thankful for the wonderful, beautiful, kind women that I am constantly surrounded by who teach me so many things about love and patience and selfless service. My mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my grandmas and aunts and cousins; my friends with or without kids, the women in my ward and stake and all of you with your wonderful examples of kindess and sacrifice and humility...I learn so much from the amazing women that inhabit this earth.

To my mother-in-law, thank you for raising a son who is the best husband and father I could ever ask for, and for loving me like your own.

And to my mother...she is the mom I want to be someday, and I am grateful for her gentle influence and guidance that has been there as a constant my entire life.



Happy Mother's Day to the strong and beautiful women in my life.
Let's eat chocolate!

A few other things that have really touched me lately about motherhood: This article (which is so simply and profoundy beautiful), and this book here, which I cannot put down and think every woman should read it, like yesterday.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for your post Elyse! You're amazing! Viv is one lucky little girl to have ou as her momma! Love ya girl! Happy Mothers Day!

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  2. Beautiful post. You really are such an incredible mom. Much love.

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  3. I love how much you love motherhood. And that you are totally honest about the ups and downs. It makes me think Dillon and I should be making babies stat ;)

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  4. You are so amazing with words! I love reading your blog my friend! Motherhood is the hardest but it is the best! You really are a great mother! Thanks for your examples!

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