how to rock a neck brace: part 5

4.26.2013

The fifth and final installment of the series in which I demonstrate how to make having a neck brace look cooler than not having a neck brace.

It's been all fun and good, but let me get real with you here:

Do you really really want to know how to rock a neck brace the best?

My advice?

DON'T.

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Just don't even GET a neck brace. I mean, It's cute for a second...maybe. and then you're like, get this thing off me! Stop staring at me! No I can't do the Robot! Yes I can lift this! No, I never shower anymore!

It gets hard to make out and eat tacos and all those other things you tip your head at awkward angles for. You forget how to drive in those 2 months you were restricted. Your neck meat gets strangely small and gangly, making you look like an ostrich, and everyone notices. And your face starts molding itself into a fatter version of itself, and you develop a gnarly double chin because said neck brace makes it so.

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But, once you're free, you can finally sleep without feeling like you're strapped to a papoose, Native American style, and sometimes, you can even turn your head slightly to look at the person next to you. I know right? It's like, a novelty and a privilege. You can look at your toes finally, and notice that they are sadly neglected and hideous and no one bothered to tell you.

And people always always always comment on how impressed they are that you can move your neck so well! People must think I am now a near cousin to Nearly Headless Nick, because if I dared to take my neck brace off for one second, people kind of freaked and started tip-toeing around me, careful to not yell in surprise lest I might quickly turn my head resulting in it falling off.

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Needless to say, I get a lot of unwarranted and easily earned praise these days for things like turning my head to the side, sitting in a chair, and picking up Vivian. My ego is boosted to the moon, and I'm like, HEY! I washed my hair this morning and looked at my profile in the mirror! Doing the laundry is way past my limitations. Don't expect too much of me, people. I'm recovering. And stuff.

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Anyway, it's like this. Having a neck brace totally sucked. I mean, really. It's nice for people to notice you, but not for that. It's uncomfortable and painful most of the time, and I started getting zits on my neck. I mean, who even has those? That, my friends, is what a neck brace will do to you.

And now, I can proudly say I can wear small-necked shirts and can tip my head upside down to wrap a towel around it. Sometimes, I can even turn my head without turning my whole body.

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The best part? I have a gnarly scar that people regularly stare at, and ask me what happened, and I tell them that somebody cut my throat but I'm a vampire so I survived it.

MWAHAHAHAHA. oh, for the love.

thanks for tuning in for all of this neck braced glory series! You can see my tips on how to rock a neck brace here, here, here and even here. You guys are stellar, you know it?

4 comments:

  1. Glad you're out of the brace and doing better!

    Shannon
    http://GBOfashion.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. This whole thing cracked me up. Also, your writing style rocks.

    The end.

    PS: Glad your neck brace-less!

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  3. You are fabulous! I have to admit I was a little concerned the first time I saw you without your neck brace. Like I wasn't totally sure you were supposed to have taken it off? And I thought it might be bad if someone tripped you or something? Anyways can I just say that I'm so glad you have this hilarious blog so that I can still get little bits of Elyse humor in my life once you move? Boo hoo to you moving, but I am happy you blog and you blog it WELL dear. Yeah...It's late.

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  4. I miss you Elyse!! I kind of love your scar. And your hair. Are you going to be in Utah this summer at all? Or are you moving even further away without saying goodbye?

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