please don't ever grow up


Hey Viv.

There are two specific times in my day that make me the happiest girl in the whole world, and they both happen because of you.

number one: When I hear your sweet little coos coming from your room when you wake up in the morning. Even though I'm not a morning person, they are the sweetest sounds to wake up to. I always lay in bed as long as you'll let me and listen to you blow bubbles and bask in the happy baby-ness of you. So when I finally drag myself out of bed (AKA: when your coos get kind of whiny), I open your door and say hello. And that look.

Oh the look.

The look on your face. The biggest grin. The way you flap your arms as if you want to flap your way right out of your crib and into my arms. You make your little "hock a loogie" laugh in the back of your throat, and grin and grin and arch your back so I'll pick you up. You put your hands on my chest and push your face back so those big beautiful blue eyes can look right into mine. That look says you love me, and that I am the only person in your world. I am your everything, and it is the best thing.

And then the day happens, and sometimes it's a great day, or a good day, or a hard day. Sometimes I lose my patience, and I am always completely exhausted at the end of it. We play hard, you know? At the end of the day, I am done being a mom. I'm sooooooo glad you are finally asleep and that another day is down. That I get the night to myself to browse pinterest and eat popcorn and be with your dad.

And then comes number two, my 2nd favorite part of the day. When you've been asleep for a while, and I've had a chance to unwind from the day. When I feed you again right before I go to bed, and the house is completely silent, and your night light is dimly lighting your nursery. I can hear the cars rushing by outside in the dark and that stupid yippy dog that barks next door. You're sleeping with your legs and arms completely sprawled out and your fingers curled through your crocheted blanket. Sometimes, like tonight, I am in awe of your tiny human-ness. I take the time to learn every inch of you over again. It seems you are constantly changing, and I always find new things. How unbelievably soft your tiny fingers are; how your left hand is going nonstop as you eat, even when you're sleeping, touching my chin, my nose, my cheeks; how you insist on grabbing onto one of my fingers with a death grip as you're eating; how sometimes you fart in your sleep; how your little breathing sounds are the most precious thing I've ever heard.

I wonder about your future. How your cute pigtails will look when you are a little two year old. How that feisty personality will unfold. Will you be happy? What will your voice sound like? Will your laugh always be deep and in the back of your throat? What adventures will we have together? Will you hate me when you're 16? Will we be best friends forever? Will you always look at me like I am the best thing to happen, ever?

On nights like tonight, as I sit with you in your dark nursery in my big comfy chair, even though I'm tired, and know I'll be hating myself in the morning, I rock and rock and rock, and kiss your sweet button nose, and I take it all in and I thank God that you are mine forever.

And I pray that you will never ever ever ever grow up.


  1. That was so sweet. You'll be so happy you wrote your thoughts down. I can't believe how fast that sweet baby is growing.

  2. I love love love this! Definitely words of a good mother.

  3. Ditto, two of my favorite times of the day too. The sad part is that they do grow up. I'm savoring everything I can with Emmy right now.

  4. so sweet, captured motherhood perfectly!



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