Before I get into Christmas, I'm feeling like I should get something off my chest.
It's my most embarrassing moment.
If you are squeamish AT ALL, maybe stop reading?
Just a disclaimer.
I've had embarrassing moments in my life. I'm kind of an embarrassing person, as you very well know by now.
Seriously though, up until just recently, when asked what my most embarrassing moment was, I would have answered with the story of that time in middle school (where all embarrassing moments originate) where I really liked this one guy, and he was hott, and I got tongue tied and knock kneed when I looked at him. That guy. So one day I got brave and followed him out to the drinking fountain line during our 5 minute break. And after slobbering all over the drinking fountain, I waited for him to be done drinking. Then I looked at him, and started to say something really smooth. So I opened my mouth to speak....
and out plopped my gum. Right on his shoe. HIS SHOE, people.
And his friend laughed at me, and my crush just flicked it off into the stampede of raging hormones around us and said hi.
I'm sure I mumbled something stupid while laughing really loudly, because that's what I do.
So. That was my most embarrassing story. Until now.
I'll set up the scenario for you, because every good story needs a background.
A couple days after Christmas, we were heading to Seattle to spend some time with Dale's family. Our flight left at 6:45 AM, which meant we had to be at the airport at 5 AM. Needless to say, it was an early morning, and I was starving.
We get to the airport and the lines are insanely long, packed with people lugging 10 bags each. We spent forever getting our tickets, and then another span of forever waiting to get violated by the TSA. So naturally, we were going to get to our gate right in time to get on the plane, but not in enough time for me to stop and grab something to eat. Luckily, there was a little shop open before you go through security, so I rushed inside, grabbed a breakfast sandwich and a banana, and ran back into the security line.
Desperate times call for desperate measures my friends. And this was a desperate time. I had to get that disgusting breakfast sandwich because I was about to shrivel up and die from hunger.
So we make it to our gate right in time to get on the flight. All the while, I'm wolfing down my breakfast as ladylike as possible.
Things are great. We find seats together, flight takes off, huge guy takes the isle seat, and we settle down for our 2 1/2 hour flight. But then things take a turn for the worse.
I'm not as small as I used to be. This belly of mine has been taking up quite of bit of my breathing room lately. So as I'm sitting there in a really uncomfortable sitting position, I feel like I can't really breath, and that I maybe need to pee. I look at the big guy next to us, and he is sound asleep. So I put it off in the name of being nice to randomguy (that's what we'll call him).
Finally, I just couldn't be nice any longer. I really needed to walk around and pee or something. I asked Dale if he could wake randomguy up so I could get out (awkward). Dale literally had to shake randomguy to wake him up (double awkward). So he kind of glares at us, and I apologize profusely while sticking out my belly as far as it will go so he knows that I have a very valid excuse for disturbing his sleep.
I do my business, and try to take a long time at it so I have an excuse to stand up. Thinking that my breathing problems had passed, I go back to my seat, look apologetically at randomguy as he gets up to let my pass, and sit down.
Things quickly went from bad to worse. 10 minutes later, I'm sitting in my chair trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable, trying to breath, and trying to fight the urge to get up and walk around again, because something just wasn't right. I have to stand up. And maybe hit up the bathroom again for a more intense round, see if that would help. So I ask Dale to ask randomguy if I can get out again, and this time really stress the fact that I don't feel good, hence us being annoying. But randomguy decides he wants to be mean. As I'm getting up, I apologize again. He replies with, "ya, well at least I'm not dead asleep this time".
Touche, randomguy. Touche.
So I head to the back of the plane to stand up until they make me sit down again. And it just really isn't helping. I head to the bathroom again. And while I'm in there doing my business, the captain comes on with a warning of turbulence and landing, saying passengers and stewardesses all need to sit down and buckle up until further notice. Also, don't press the stewardess button unless it's an emergency, then do it twice.
So I slowly make my way down the isle to my seat, wondering how much longer I have to endure this weird feeling of sickness that suddenly has overtaken me.
I sit down.
Dale: "Are you feeling ok?"
Dale: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Me: "I think i'm gonna puke."
With the speed of a cat, Dale pulls out those handy dandy puke bags. Right in time too, because I start puking my guts out into that tiny little bag over Dale's lap.
Have you ever tried to puke quietly? And into such a tiny little opening?
It's not easy, but I did my very best.
You may think that this is the end.
Things quickly went from worse to the worst thing ever.
I was done puking and we were trying to find something to clean up with, and I'm desperately trying to stop feeling sick and hide the fact that my husband is holding a bag full of that breakfast I had just eaten.
But then....oh, then....Dale said a bad word. We look down in horror, and see that my puke was oozing through a hole in the bottom of the bag. Oozing. All over Dale's gray sweatpants and down his leg. Still half sick and now openly bawling, I look for another barf bag and I try to carefully fit the broken bag into the extra one.
But would you look at that?
My puke bag split completely open, and the contents splashed onto Dale, the seat and then the ground. Everywhere.
I'm sure we both said some choice words as Dale jammed the assistance button as hard as he could and I just sat there horrified.
A stewardess comes up to our seat, and Dale tells her we need the essentials to clean up a mess. I just turn around with my puke face and tell her I just puked all over the ground, and we need a bag and lots of towels. Randomguy is politely looking the other way, and all of the other passengers are peering over and around seats to see what that nasty smell is.
Long story short:
Airplane towels don't work. Seltzer water doesn't work. Coffee grounds do not cover the smell.
I help as best I can, but mostly I just sit there with my face in my hands so people can't see how horribly horrified I am at what just happened.
Stewardess: "That's ok honey, especially because you're pregnant. This happens all the time."
Me: nod while wiping puke off my face with Dale's jacket.
When randomguy gets off the plane, I turn to him and say how sorry I am and how embarrassed I am, etcetera, etcetera.
randomguy: "well, at least you'll never see me again".
how very true.
I bet I made his Facebook status though.
We clean up as best we can, and I put on my best, most bravest (quavering) face, walk up to the stewardess, hand her the plastic bag full of our mess, and walk out of the plane with my head held high.
Dale followed me trying to cover all of the dark spots of puke that ran all the way down his pants.
We saw everyone from the plane down at baggage claim, and then we rode to my in-laws house with the windows down. That smell could knock out an ogre and kill a small human.
So there it is:
my most embarrassing moment.
Dale's trying to convince me that we should sue Southwest for having such flimsy barf bags.
Everything would have been perfectly fine if that bag wouldn't have sprung a leak.
Alas, that is not my luck.
And thus my most embarrassing story was born.
Please tell me your most embarrassing moment. Please.