my most embarrassing moment is born

1.10.2012

So.

Before I get into Christmas, I'm feeling like I should get something off my chest. 

It's gross.
It's disgusting.
It's embarrassing.

It's my most embarrassing moment. 
If you are squeamish AT ALL, maybe stop reading?
Just a disclaimer.

I've had embarrassing moments in my life. I'm kind of an embarrassing person, as you very well know by now.

Seriously though, up until just recently, when asked what my most embarrassing moment was, I would have answered with the story of that time in middle school (where all embarrassing moments originate) where I really liked this one guy, and he was hott, and I got tongue tied and knock kneed when I looked at him. That guy. So one day I got brave and followed him out to the drinking fountain line during our 5 minute break. And after slobbering all over the drinking fountain, I waited for him to be done drinking. Then I looked at him, and started to say something really smooth. So I opened my mouth to speak....

and out plopped my gum. Right on his shoe. HIS SHOE, people. 
And his friend laughed at me, and my crush just flicked it off into the stampede of raging hormones around us and said hi. 


I'm sure I mumbled something stupid while laughing really loudly, because that's what I do.
It's whatever.

So. That was my most embarrassing story. Until now.

I'll set up the scenario for you, because every good story needs a background.

A couple days after Christmas, we were heading to Seattle to spend some time with Dale's family. Our flight left at 6:45 AM, which meant we had to be at the airport at 5 AM. Needless to say, it was an early morning, and I was starving.

We get to the airport and the lines are insanely long, packed with people lugging 10 bags each. We spent forever getting our tickets, and then another span of forever waiting to get violated by the TSA. So naturally, we were going to get to our gate right in time to get on the plane, but not in enough time for me to stop and grab something to eat. Luckily, there was a little shop open before you go through security, so I rushed inside, grabbed a breakfast sandwich and a banana, and ran back into the security line. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures my friends. And this was a desperate time. I had to get that disgusting breakfast sandwich because I was about to shrivel up and die from hunger.

So we make it to our gate right in time to get on the flight. All the while, I'm wolfing down my breakfast as ladylike as possible.

Things are great. We find seats together, flight takes off, huge guy takes the isle seat, and we settle down for our 2 1/2 hour flight. But then things take a turn for the worse.

I'm not as small as I used to be. This belly of mine has been taking up quite of bit of my breathing room lately. So as I'm sitting there in a really uncomfortable sitting position, I feel like I can't really breath, and that I maybe need to pee. I look at the big guy next to us, and he is sound asleep. So I put it off in the name of being nice to randomguy (that's what we'll call him).


Finally, I just couldn't be nice any longer. I really needed to walk around and pee or something. I asked Dale if he could wake randomguy up so I could get out (awkward). Dale literally had to shake randomguy to wake him up (double awkward). So he kind of glares at us, and I apologize profusely while sticking out my belly as far as it will go so he knows that I have a very valid excuse for disturbing his sleep.

I do my business, and try to take a long time at it so I have an excuse to stand up. Thinking that my breathing problems had passed, I go back to my seat, look apologetically at randomguy as he gets up to let my pass, and sit down.

Things quickly went from bad to worse. 10 minutes later, I'm sitting in my chair trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable, trying to breath, and trying to fight the urge to get up and walk around again, because something just wasn't right. I have to stand up. And maybe hit up the bathroom again for a more intense round, see if that would help. So I ask Dale to ask randomguy if I can get out again, and this time really stress the fact that I don't feel good, hence us being annoying. But randomguy decides he wants to be mean. As I'm getting up, I apologize again. He replies with, "ya, well at least I'm not dead asleep this time".

Touche, randomguy. Touche.

So I head to the back of the plane to stand up until they make me sit down again. And it just really isn't helping. I head to the bathroom again. And while I'm in there doing my business, the captain comes on with a warning of turbulence and landing, saying passengers and stewardesses all need to sit down and buckle up until further notice. Also, don't press the stewardess button unless it's an emergency, then do it twice.

So I slowly make my way down the isle to my seat, wondering how much longer I have to endure this weird feeling of sickness that suddenly has overtaken me.

I sit down.

Dale: "Are you feeling ok?"
Me: "Uh....no."
Dale: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Me: "I think i'm gonna puke."

With the speed of a cat, Dale pulls out those handy dandy puke bags. Right in time too, because I start puking my guts out into that tiny little bag over Dale's lap. 

Have you ever tried to puke quietly? And into such a tiny little opening?
It's not easy, but I did my very best.


You may think that this is the end. 

But sadly....no. 
Things quickly went from worse to the worst thing ever.

I was done puking and we were trying to find something to clean up with, and I'm desperately trying to stop feeling sick and hide the fact that my husband is holding a bag full of that breakfast I had just eaten.

But then....oh, then....Dale said a bad word. We look down in horror, and see that my puke was oozing through a hole in the bottom of the bag. Oozing. All over Dale's gray sweatpants and down his leg. Still half sick and now openly bawling, I look for another barf bag and I try to carefully fit the broken bag into the extra one.

But would you look at that? 
My puke bag split completely open, and the contents splashed onto Dale, the seat and then the ground. Everywhere.

I'm sure we both said some choice words as Dale jammed the assistance button as hard as he could and I just sat there horrified.

A stewardess comes up to our seat, and Dale tells her we need the essentials to clean up a mess. I just turn around with my puke face and tell her I just puked all over the ground, and we need a bag and lots of  towels. Randomguy is politely looking the other way, and all of the other passengers are peering over and around seats to see what that nasty smell is. 

Long story short:

Airplane towels don't work. Seltzer water doesn't work. Coffee grounds do not cover the smell.

I help as best I can, but mostly I just sit there with my face in my hands so people can't see how horribly horrified I am at what just happened.

Stewardess: "That's ok honey, especially because you're pregnant. This happens all the time."
Me: nod while wiping puke off my face with Dale's jacket.

When randomguy gets off the plane, I turn to him and say how sorry I am and how embarrassed I am, etcetera, etcetera.

randomguy: "well, at least you'll never see me again".

how very true.
I bet I made his Facebook status though.

We clean up as best we can, and I put on my best, most bravest (quavering) face, walk up to the stewardess, hand her the plastic bag full of our mess, and walk out of the plane with my head held high.

Dale followed me trying to cover all of the dark spots of puke that ran all the way down his pants.

We saw everyone from the plane down at baggage claim, and then we rode to my in-laws house with the windows down. That smell could knock out an ogre and kill a small human.

So there it is:
my most embarrassing moment.

Dale's trying to convince me that we should sue Southwest for having such flimsy barf bags. 
Everything would have been perfectly fine if that bag wouldn't have sprung a leak.

Alas, that is not my luck.

And thus my most embarrassing story was born.
Please tell me your most embarrassing moment. Please.

14 comments:

  1. ooh that's a good one. i peed my pants while running the mile in the city track meet in 8th grade with a crowd of people watching.

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  2. I feel horrible for you. Out of all places an airplane had to have sucked. I did crack up especially when you wrote: But I bet I made his Facebook status.

    Hhmm my embrassing moment...lemme pick out a good one here: Oh, how about in the 1st grade when I peed my pants sitting at my desk, told everyone I had just spilled my orange juice, and then went around school all day smelling like pee. When people asked what smelled, I'd either point to someone else or say that I fell into a puddle when I was walking to a school that a dog must have peed in when they said it was coming from me. It made sense at the time. Why my teacher didn't, I dunno, call my parents for a new pair of pants is beyond me.

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  3. Oh my gosh girl I'm so sorry! That may have been the most embarrassing one I've ever heard! I don't really have any that I could tell ya sorry :( But at least it's over!!!

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  4. I am laughing with you, pretty hard. When I was a junior we took a field trip to the hospital for some health class. When we got to the "birthing wing" the doctor decided to show us what an epideral needle looked like. I passed out, hit my head on the wall and knocked over a metal tray of supplies. All in front of my entire class. Luckily I was in a hospital and there was no such thing as Facebook.

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  5. Your Mom told me that you weren't feeling very well. I obviously didn't get the whole story. Trust me, my most embarrassing moment is very horrific. :/ It can't be posted online. Maybe a story for another day.
    Oh yeah, we suck at the whole lets get together thing. Next time, please?

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  6. Sooo embarrassing! I already heard the story but it was so much better to hear all the details. I guarantee you made his fb status. Here's one of my top five. I'm 13 or so. I wake up at the crack of dawn and drive 5 hours to go to a farewell with my dad and 3 little brothers. I nod off through the whole farewell and groggily follow my dad to my aunts house for the luncheon. I'm not totally comfortable with the company, so i stick close to my dad while he visits with his sister. There is limited seating so I take a seat on my dads lap. I start to feel funny so i hop up to use the ladies room. Yep, I was 13 but to this day I'm still surprised by my monthly visitor. (Does anyone ever REALLY know?) I was unprepared. Luckily my discarded pajamas were still out in the car. I sucessfully made it to the car to change without seeing anyone. But then i saw a stain on the seat. I instantly wondered if there was a stain on the church pew and then realized with horror that I'd been sitting on my dads lap. No mom around for this awesome trip. Just an aunt i barely knew. It was horrifying and obviously embarrassing when i went back inside to face the music. My sweet dad never said a word. And in what i can only assume was an attempt to pretend like things were "normal" we took a little trip to Zion National Park before heading home. Worst. Day. Ever.

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  7. Haha....just wrote all that logged in as joey! Well this is Suzy. Sorry joe.

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  8. Oh my!! I cannot stop laughing! I feel a little bad that your sad story just made my day. I do feel so bad for you. My embarrassing puke story is the time we went on trek, remember the bus ride to martins cove? You and me were eating licorice and I got car sick and took off running to the front of the bus only to not make it and Chris Nelson caught my puke in front of everyone, including the boys we were flirting with... enough said.

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  9. I was getting worried that was joey's most embarrassing story. Glad you cleared that up Suzy!

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  10. What a great post! I mean, sad that it really happened but I love that you were willing to share with us. When I was pregnant with my first baby (I was in highschool) I puked everywhere, and in front of everyone! Bad thing is, it is THE worst sound in the whole world. Someone even once told me that it sounds like a buffalo giving birth. Well on a certain puking occasion AT school I ran to a garbage can to throw up and near by was a Choir group practicing. Well, you know how highschoolers are...they all started to sing "Trash Digger, Trash Digger..." thankfully my good friend was there to yell at them to shut it! There ya go :)

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  11. I loved your story. I think this all in all made you a better person...thank goodness it wasn't me. ha. But, my most embarassing story, is not suited for online as alex said earlier. It is horrific. And sadly, my husband was there so I will never ever ever be able to forget it. because he sadly tells the story so much better than I do. I might have told you it over Christmas but i'm not sure...Can't wait to see you again. miss you!

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  12. Well Elyse...You really do have bad luck girl! I feel so bad that that had to happen but I am so glad you shared cuz I have many many embarrassing stories (can't share online)and I feel like no one could relate...You can!! haha But really so sorry that happened. I was gettting claustrophobic just reading about you not getting the aisle seat while prego! I die if I don't have the aisle seat in Relief Society! haha You are brave my friend. Also, I don't know if I will be eating a breakfast sandwich any time soon. haha Those things obviously can cause some major problems. ;) Love ya!

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  13. This is Lindsey, I'm Devin's sister and there are just a few things I must say...
    1-I love reading your blog and I love seeing where Dale is at now in life. I first meet him when he was in like 10th grade.
    2-I am so jealous you got to go to Seattle and meet that cute baby.
    3-I laughed so hard when reading this post (sorry). Getting sick on a plane is one of my biggest fears.
    4-I was imagining Jannah driving you guys home from the airport laughing and yet feeling so bad for you at the same time.
    5-I hope to meet you some day. You seem simply fabulous!

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  14. we were destined to be friends with all of the ridiculous crap that happens to us, don't you think?
    love this story, and love you.

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